Overheard in My Car Pt. I

Me: Hey, Hon. You’ve heard about microchipping pets, right?
TR: You mean where they put a microchip in your pet so they can track it if it gets lost? Like LoJack?
Me: Yeah. That’s it.
TR: Yeah. Why?
Me: Wouldn’t it be cool if they could do something like that with nanotechnology?
TR: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, what if they could inject your dog with thousands of microscopic robots, and then if it ran away they could guide it back home remotely.
TR: You’re weird… and don’t say, “That’s why you married me.”
Me: It’s not weird. Think about it. Little Fluffy runs away, you call up LoJack (or wherever), they send out a signal, the nanobots take over the dog’s limbs and guide it back home.
TR: That’d be kinda creepy, don’t you think.
Me: Um. No. Not really. But I’ll tell you what would be creepy.
TR: What?
Me: If little Fluffy was hit by a car before you made the call.
TR: Why would that be… ohhhh…
Me: Yeah. It’d be like, “Hey! Here comes Fluffy! She’s back! Kids! Fluffy’s back! C’mere Fluffy! C’mere! Oh my go… AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!”
TR: You’re weird.
Me: That’s why you married me.

Wanna Rub My Head For Luck?

I swear I must be the luckiest man alive. For years, I tried to win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, faithfully licking stamps and sending in the entry forms for each new round. I never actually made it to the finals, but I came pretty darn close, let me tell you! I was about to give up on things ever going my way, however, when I discovered the Internet. Suddenly my luck began to turn around. It all started when I zapped a mosquito and won a free laptop! Suddenly, I was getting all kinds of email from hot women that wanted to send me nude photos and sell me discount prescription medications! As if that wasn’t enough, I wacked a monkey and won a PS3! That surprised me a great deal, because the last time I wacked a monkey things went a bit differently (but I won’t go into that here). Pretty soon, I was winning all kinds of prizes. I punched out a boxer and won an iPod. One time I was just minding my own business when an ethereal voice issued from my computer speakers, “Congratulations!” It said. “You have been chosen as the recipient of a free $50.00 gas card.” Amazing! Thanks to the Internet, I’ll never have to work again! It’s like Amway, only better, because I don’t have to alienate my friends and family! In fact, I’m so excited about all of this free stuff I’ve won, I’ve decided to take everyone out for drinks, on me… just as soon as the Nigerian Finance Minister deposits that 25 million dollars into my bank account. Yep. That should be happening any day now.

Lost: One Sense of Humor. If Found, Please Call…

I know. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. It’s only just… well… I’ve lost my sense of humor. I’ve been looking high and low for it, but it’s just nowhere to be found. I’ll start posting again as soon as I remember where I put it. Or after I’ve replaced it… I wonder if I can find a deal on eBay… Hmmmm… Maybe I’ll use that store credit I’ve got from Wal-Mart.