Overheard on the Phone

TR: I’ve got a lot of work to do when I get home tonight.
Me: Anything I can help you with?
TR: Not unless you want to write lesson plans.
Me: I don’t think you want me writing lesson plans.
TR: You’re probably right.
Me: “Okay, class, today we’re going to learn about mucous. Take out your tissues now… okay, now…blow!”
TR: What would be the objective of that lesson?
Me: To teach them that it’s important not to wipe their snot on each other. Duh.
TR: It has to relate to a State educational standard.
Me: Personal hygiene isn’t a State standard?
TR: No.
Me: Well, it should be.

Good Grief!

This is quite possibly the most popular funeral poem ever:

Don’t grieve for me, for now I’m free,
I’m following paths God made for me
I took his hand, I heard him call
Then turned, and bid farewell to all

I could not stay another day
To laugh, to love, to sing, to play
Tasks left undone must stay that way
I found my peace … at close of play

And if my parting left a void
Then fill it with remembered joy
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss
Ah yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened… deep with sorrow
I wish you sunshine of tomorrow
My life’s been full I’ve savoured much
Good friends, good times
A loved one’s touch

Perhaps my time seemed all too brief
Don’t lengthen it now with grief
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wants me now … He set me free.

You may not realize it, if you don’t attend a lot of funerals, but this poem appears in virtually every funeral program ever printed. I know this, not because I attend a lot of funerals, but because I typeset a lot of funeral programs. I’m not sure who wrote it originally, as it’s uncredited in every form I’ve ever seen.

Now, before I continue, let me put in this little disclaimer. I think the poem is good. I think it says a lot in only a few stanzas that can bring some comfort to those that are grieving. Far be it from me to step on anyone’s grief. No, my issue with this poem is a personal one, and one that only applies to me. The poem is overused. To me, printing it in a funeral program is unoriginal and uncreative. I know that probably doesn’t matter to a lot of people, and that’s fine. I mean, we’re talking about a funeral program for crying out loud. Who comes home from a funeral and says, “Well, that would have been better if it wasn’t exactly like the service we had for Uncle Joe last month”? There aren’t any funeral critics (at least no professional ones). But I’m the type of person that likes originality. So, for the record, when I die, if this poem is included in my funeral program, I am going to come back and haunt the person responsible! I mean it. I want something a little more creative for my memorial service.

To that end, here are my instructions for funeral arrangements when I finally shuffle off this mortal coil:

1. I am to be cremated and my remains are to be sent into space. Ever since seeing Star Wars for the first time (in fourth grade), I have wanted to travel to the stars. I fear that by the time space travel has been opened to the public and has become affordable to the average Joe, I will be too old to make such a journey. This may be my only option.
2. Because Celestis only sends a portion of the decedent’s ashes into space, the remainder of my remains should be buried in a plot in a cemetery located nearest the person who is going to care enough to visit it once in a while. My headstone should be simple, listing my name, birth and death dates. Underneath these should be a caption that reads, “I’m with stupid,” with an arrow pointing to the headstone next to mine.
3. Finally, after the service, there will be none of this standing around in some Elk’s Lodge somewhere, dressed all in black and blubbering. Everyone is to gather at the Friar’s Club and give me a good roasting (since I’m going to be cremated, I guess you could call it a “roasting after the roasting” (badum-bum!)). Don’t stand around and lie about what a good person I was. I’m serious here. If the Friar’s Club is unavailable (or too expensive), find some other venue, but I want you all to gather around and let me have it. Don’t hold back. Trust me, I’ll be looking down and laughing right along with you… at least I hope I’ll be looking down. God forbid I should be looking up. I might not be laughing then.

Don’t ask me why I’m bringing up this whole “death and dying” thing right now. I guess, as you get older, you start to consider your mortality a little bit more. When I was in my 20s, I hardly thought about it all. Now that I’m rapidly approaching 40, death doesn’t seem that far off anymore. Maybe I’m finally heading for that mid-life crisis and this is the initial stage. Of course, it could just be that it’s Wednesday and I have a migraine.

Sleepwalking on the Moon

Our youngest daughter was walking in her sleep the other night. She stumbled into our bedroom and just stood there for a good minute with a vacant look on her face.

“TC? Are you okay, Binky?”
“Whu…”
“Are you okay?”
“Uh… yeah… I jus’ nee’ t’ get ready f…”
“What?”
“I need ge’ ready f’school…”
“Sweetheart, it’s still night time. You need to get back in bed.”

We ushered her back into her room, but about an hour later she wandered back out.

“Whu’ timesit?”
“It’s 10:30, Sweetie.”
“Omygosh ‘m late for school!”

At which point she began frantically running around the house. It took us a good five minutes to catch her and convince her that it was still night time, and that she could go back to bed.

This little incident got me to thinking. I’ve always had this sort of love/hate relationship with sleep. On the one hand, I love to sleep – mostly because I’m tired all the time. On the other hand, I hate to sleep because it seems like such a waste of time. I spend a good deal of my time fighting to stay awake – which is why I’m so tired all the time. Human beings spend a third of their lives asleep, and to me this seems a bit of a shame. I mean, think of all the things that could be accomplished if we could just stay awake 24/7. For one thing, I might actually be able catch up on my reading.

I sometimes envy vampires. I mean, I know that – unlike humans – they sleep away 2/3 of their lives, but their lives are so much longer that it seems like it might be worth the trade. Besides, they’re up all night and there are very few others around at that time. You can get so much more done when there’s no one around to bug you. Yeah, sometimes I think it might be nice to be a vampire – if it weren’t for that whole sucking people’s blood thing and having to dress Goth.

Another thing that would be cool would be, instead of just walking in your sleep, you could do other things in your sleep – important things, like washing the car. I mean, wouldn’t it be great to wake up in the morning and find out that you had cleaned the kitchen overnight? Work is always much more fun if you don’t remember doing it. Mowing the lawn at 2:30 in the morning might cheese off your neighbors a little, but at least it would get done. Of course, I’d be afraid of dreaming while sleepchoring. For instance, if you were weeding the garden, you might yank out a particularly nasty weed and find Cthulhu attached to the other end… or a naked clown. That kind of thing could scar a person for life.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve fallen asleep doing important things. One time I was driving, and I blinked, and found that 5 miles had gone by unnoticed. That was scary, and a little inconvenient, since I had missed my freeway exit and had to turn around. Another time, I was working on a particularly boring project at work (typesetting a legal contract, if you must know) and I nodded off at my desk. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped a little, and after only a short pause, shouted out “Amen!” I think everyone at the office was pretty impressed by my piety.

The one thing that I actually did accomplish in my sleep was an a capella rendition of of R.E.M.’s Man on the Moon. It was really well done too. At least I thought it was. I don’t think my wife was too keen on it, as she tried to smother me with a pillow about half-way through. Some people just don’t appreciate good music at 4:30 in the morning.

Overheard in my Bedroom

Me: [BANGBANGBANGBANG!!!!] CC! Get out of my bathroom right now!!
CC: But, Dad… I really have to go, and TC’s in our bathroom!
Me: I’m late for work, and I have to get in there and get ready! Get out! Now!!
TR: … you blink and…
Me: … but I’m late to wor-
TR: … you blink and…!
Me: [sigh]… CC? Sweetie? I’m sorry. Take as long as you need…

Be careful of the words you blog, for tomorrow, you may have to live by them…

Signs of Life

Overheard in my House

“Daaaaaaaaaad! She won’t get out of my room!”
“It’s my room tooooo!!!”

…

“I need some toilet paper! I need some toilet paper! I need some toilet paper!!”
“Why didn’t you think of that before you sat down!?”

…

“Ack! What did I just step in? EEeeeew! One of the cats threw up on the floor!”

…

“Bark! Bark! Bark!”
“Shut up! Stupid dog! It’s 2:00 in the morning!”

…

“Dad. I need some help with my homework.”
“Okay. What do you need?”
“I have to write a two page paper on chapters 4 and 5 of The Great Gatsby.”
“When is it due?”
“Tomorrow.”
“It’s 10:30 at night, and you’re just bringing this to me now?!”

…

“MMmmoooooommm! She hit me!”
“I did not!”
“Yes you did!”
“Well, you bumped into me!”
“It was an accident!”
“No it wasn’t!”
“Mooooooommmmm!!”

…

“Daddy? Will you read to me?”
“Sure, Binky. Go get our book.”
…

I’m sorry to be so sentimental this early in the morning. I know you probably don’t come here to get all teary-eyed. I just woke up this morning in a mood and felt the need to share it. I’ll probably think better of it, once I’ve had my coffee… I realize that most of the above is probably enough to drive a sane man crazy, especially when you consider that these are only a tiny fraction of the things that go on in our home on a daily basis. But I was thinking this morning about how much I’m going to miss all of this craziness when it’s gone. I guess as you get older you start to realize how temporary everything is. You blink and your children are born, you blink and they’re teenagers, you blink again and they’re moving out (well, I haven’t blinked that much yet, but it’s coming). I think that sometimes we neglect to count our blessings, sometimes we take our blessings for granted, and sometimes we don’t even realize we had any blessings until they’re no longer there. I’d like to be someone that recognizes his blessings… even when they sound like:

[CRASH!!!]
“I’m not hurt!”
“Good… what broke?”

There. That’s enough glurge for one day…