Halloween? Bah! Humbug!

Today is Halloween, which is a holiday I’ve never really understood. This is quite possibly because I grew up in a conservative-Christian home, and we were taught that Halloween was Satan’s holiday. Instead of trick-or-treating, we went to “Harvest Parties” where we dressed up as Bible characters instead of ghosts, goblins and superheroes. The last time I went to one of these things (in Jr. High), I went as Noah’s Ark. A friend of mine went as Adam (prior to The Fall). I thought he should have won a prize for originality, but he got kicked out… Christians. No sense of humor.

My inability to catch the Halloween spirit might also stem from other childhood experiences. Because my parents didn’t realize how “evil” Halloween was until I was about 9, I do have some normal memories of Halloween. Unfortunately, none of them are very good. In 2nd grade, I dressed up as Batman. That sounds exciting, but it really wasn’t. I cut the mask out from the back of a cereal box, so it was made of cheap cardboard. I had to affix it to my head with tape and rubber bands. To add insult to injury, the only thing my mom could find for me to use as a cape was a bed sheet. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the sheet hadn’t been white. I wore the thing to school, and was told in numerous ways that I was the “stupidest looking Batman ever.” On the last Halloween we celebrated, I dressed up as C-3P0. Again, this sounds more exciting than it was. It was a store-bought costume, which was a step up, but that’s as far as it went for improvements. When I wore it to school I found out that my friend, Danny, got a Darth Vader costume which was infinitely more cool. I suppose I should have been happy for Danny, because he was a ginger kid and didn’t get much positive attention, but I was jealous. I mean, who wants to be an effeminate droid when you could be the Evil Dark Lord of the Sith?

But I don’t really think that’s it. For one thing, I’m not quite so anally retentive that I think celebrating Halloween is going to turn my children into psychopathic devil-worshipers, regardless of what I was told when I was young. For another thing, even though I really do want a Darth Vader costume, I don’t think it has to do with emotional trauma I suffered in the 4th grade. No, I think my problem with Halloween stems from the many contradictions inherent in the holiday. For example, can someone tell me why people normally laugh at cosplayers, but on Halloween it’s okay to emulate them? And why do we spend 364 days a year telling children not to take candy from strangers, but on this one night we encourage them to go door-to-door and beg for the stuff? I’m confused… but, then again, maybe I am too anally retentive. Maybe I should just relax, shut up and eat another candy corn.

Happy Halloween.

Adventures In Fast Food

I was heading home when my wife called me and asked if I’d stop at Del Taco and get her some nachos for dinner. She had been sick for a couple of days and housebound, and I was going to pass right by a Del Taco so it was no trouble. I pulled into the parking lot and headed into the restaurant while she was still on the phone.

“Can I help you?” Asked the cashier when it was my turn to order.
I held up a finger and mouthed “Just a sec.” to the cashier.
“Okay, what did you want?” I asked into the phone. TR can be very particular about how her food is made, so I wanted to get it just right.
“Macho Nachos.” She told me.
“I need an order of Macho Nachos.” I told the cashier.
“What kind?” She asked me.
“What kind?” I said into the phone.
“Just the regular kind, with the taco meat.” TR said.
“Taco meat.” I told the cashier, who punched a few buttons on the register. “What else?” I said into the phone.
“Add guacamole and salsa.” TR told me.
I repeated that to the cashier, who punched a few more buttons. “Anything else?”
“Anything else?” I asked TR.
“Does that come with sour cream?”
“I dunno… does that come with sour cream?”
“Yes.”
“Yes.”
“Okay, good. That’ll do it.”
“Okay. That’ll do it.” I said to the cashier.
She punched a few buttons and gave me my total.
“Will that be for here?”

I’m so glad there is a fast food industry. I can’t imagine what the unemployment rate would be without it.

Overheard in my Car Pt. VIII

VM: Do you need any ketchup Dad?
Me: I’m eating chicken. You don’t put ketchup on chicken. Gross!
TR: I do.
Me: Unless you’re Mom.
CC: Yeah. Mom thinks ketchup is an entrée.
Me: Ew.
TR: Yeah. I used to eat ketchup packets for lunch when I was in high school.
Me: Oh, gross!

Bad Moon Rising

True story.

I used to count inventory in convenience stores. No, it wasn’t some weird obsessive compulsive thing. It was my job. And yes, it was as boring and tedious as it sounds. We’d leave from the office very early every morning, drive several miles (sometimes across State lines) and spend our days adding up packages of Doritos and Snickers bars to see how much was being stolen. My partner was a guy named Todd. Todd was overweight, not morbidly obese, but more than moderately round (the reason I mention this will become clear in a minute).

Because we left so stinking early in the morning, it was usually still dark outside. One morning we walked out into the parking lot and Todd set his equipment down on the ground in order to unlock the car door. I waited patiently and looked up into the brightest, clearest sky I had ever seen. I stood there in awe of God’s creation for a moment, and then turned to look at the moon. It was a huge, orange harvest moon, dazzling and beautiful. I halfway expected to see the silhouette of Elliott and E.T. fly across it. Grinning from ear-to-ear, I turned to Todd and said, “Wooooaaah… Look at the moon!”

Unfortunately, and quite unknown to me, Todd had just finished unlocking the car and was bending over to retrieve the equipment he had previously set down. Because of his girth, his pants and his boxers protested this movement by dropping around his ankles. I found myself staring straight at his naked butt. He immediately pulled his pants back up, smiled sheepishly and turned beet red.

Worst timing ever. Our relationship was always a little uncomfortable after that.

Smoke On The Water

I realize that this is the second “unfunny” post in a row. But, since I don’t usually post on Tuesdays, I figured you could just consider this a bonus.

I’m sure that most of you reading this have heard about the wildfires that are burning out of control in Southern California. From my front yard I can see the flames from the fire burning in the Lake Arrowhead area (we’re far enough away that we’re in no danger). At this writing over 1,000 homes have been destroyed, more than 300,000 people have been evacuated and over 58,000 acres have burned. You can help by donating to the Red Cross.

Thank you.