I Am Not An Addict… I’m A Connoisseur

I love coffee.

This didn’t used to be true. Back in high school I couldn’t stand the stuff – hated it with a passion. My friend Jerry and I used to hang out at Foster’s Donuts at 2:00 a.m. a lot. He would drink gallons of coffee, smoke two or three packs of cigarettes (you could still smoke indoors back then) and tell me his latest girl troubles… Jerry always seemed to be having girl troubles. I would sit and nurse a hot chocolate, listen and nod sagely (as if I knew any more about relationships than he did). It wasn’t until I started my job as a convenience store auditor that I actually started drinking coffee. We lived in the Midwest, and the winters were excruciatingly cold (especially for this California boy). When you’re that cold, someone could hand you a hot cup of phlegm and you’d drink it. The coffee was plentiful and free, so I got into the habit of drinking it. And at first it was like drinking a hot cup of phlegm, but after a while I got used to it. These days I can’t get through the morning without it and have become a little bit of a “coffee snob.” No, I don’t grow and roast my own beans or anything, but I do want my coffee freshly ground (a burr grinder is preferable) and made with filtered water. The swill they serve at most restaurants just won’t cut it.

For a while I was drinking a lot of coffee, and I mean a lot. But recently I decided to cut back on my intake and have managed to get it down to only one pot in the morning – except on Fridays (which is my “early” day) when I chase that pot with a venti iced latte from Starbucks. It should therefore come as no surprise that when I spotted a very large travel mug at the store that I immediately said to myself, “I’ve got to have it!” It was perfect – spill-resistant lid, insulated, stylish metallic sheen, and it held 24 ounces. I could dump my entire pot of coffee into it in the morning and not have to worry about it. I didn’t get it right away, however. I’ve never been an impulsive shopper, so I kept putting it off. I’d pass it by as we were grocery shopping, look longingly at it, and just not buy it. Until, finally, a few weeks ago I just said, “What the heck” and put it in the shopping cart.

I hate it. What can I say? It’s big, bulky and hard to hold. It’s lopsided and keeps wanting to tip over when I bring it with me in the car. It totally ruins the relaxing feeling I used to have holding a smaller mug in the quiet of the morning. I wish I had never bought it, and find excuses not to use it.

So, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that coveting is not a good thing. W.W. Jacobs had it right that we should be careful what we wish for, because we might receive it. I know that a coffee mug is just a little thing, but I think the same holds true for larger things. At least that’s what I’m planning on telling my kids when they find out we didn’t get them anything for Christmas.

The End Of The World As We Know It

I know that this is a humor blog, so I apologize in advance if you came here for a good laugh. You’re not going to get that today. Today I am sad. I am sad because, for the last three or four days, the big news has been that J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore – Harry Potter’s wise and gentle mentor, and headmaster of Hogwarts – was gay. No, I am not saddened by this revelation. I am saddened that this is considered news. I am particularly saddened by the reaction of some who profess to be followers of Jesus Christ – as predictable as those reactions were. Did you know that every day 16,000 children die of starvation? Why isn’t that news? Where is the moral outrage over that? Maybe it’s time we re-read Matthew 25:31-46. That whole, “love your neighbor as yourself” thing is kind of important – at least it was to Jesus. Maybe we should be focusing on banning hunger before we ban books.

Just a thought.

How To Bag The Best Babes

Attention geeks, nerds and social misfits! Tired of not having a date on Saturday night? Tired of being completely ignored by the opposite sex, or worse, being laughed at by them? Now you too can bag the best babes! Yes, even you! By following the following tips, you too can become a total chick magnet (or at least manage to get a girl to talk to you like you’re a human being)! Just think, no more expensive bills from eHarmony or Adult Friend Finder! These secrets have been passed down through the ages, and are now available to you free of charge (and worth every penny).

1. Shower Regularly. I know this is a difficult concept to get your highly refined mind around, but personal hygiene is important to women. I know, I know, I don’t get it either. But the sooner you figure this out, the better. In addition to showering regularly, consider using an effective underarm deodorant. Believe it or not, this can be purchased at your local grocery store for a mere pittance! You may even consider using an aftershave or cologne, but go easy on the stuff. Too much and you could melt people’s eyes out when you enter a room.
2. Drop the Geeky Persona. This might be asking a lot, but it’s not as hard as it sounds. If you’re like 90% of the nerds out there, you already do this when you play your favorite RPG. Before speaking or doing anything, ask yourself, “What would Jethro the 14th level Barbarian-Magic User do in this situation?” An easy way to remember this is by using the acronym WWJFLBMUD. You might even consider making a bracelet with these letters on it as a reminder. Other ways to drop your geeky persona include:
   1. Dropping that nasally voice you normally speak with. Most nerds are quite capable of doing this already. Think about the number of voices you use when quoting Monty Python, or Star Wars. Pick an actor that you think represents pure masculinity and do your best to mimic his voice. Please Note: Any attempts to imitate Chuck Norris will fail miserably. There is only one Chuck Norris. You are not, nor will you ever be, him.
      
   2. One word: Lasik.
   3. Another word: Dermatologist.
3. Put Away Geekish Things. This is quite possibly the hardest thing you will have to do, but it is a necessary step. Do not, under any circumstances mention any of the following: role-playing games, comic books or anime. Hide your collections of such things as if they were pornography and your mother is threatening to search your room.Computers and the internet are okay to talk about, as long as you restrict your conversation to such things as mySpace or YouTube. If you must talk about what kind of system you own, tell everyone that you own a Mac. Don’t even think about using the word “Linux” in casual conversation.Unfortunately, you will also have to ditch your regular friends for a while. You don’t have to do this rudely. When they call you up and ask if you’re going to Donald’s all night AD&D game, politely tell them that you’re busy that evening.
4. Don’t Treat Women Like Objects. I realize that popular culture and internet pornography are teaching you otherwise but, believe it or not, women are people. No! Really! I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s absolutely true! They’re made up of more than just breasts and vaginas. Some of them even have brains! Really! I’m not making this up! Try talking to one sometime, you’ll be as surprised as I was.

If you follow these four tips diligently, you will soon be well on your way to having your very own girlfriend. I realize that it is a large sacrifice, and you may want to protest that you will have to give up being who you are in order to accomplish your goal. This isn’t quite true, because the goal here is not to be a total sell-out. The goal is to get a woman to acknowledge your humanity so that you can ask her out, without her having to get out the pepper spray (this can be tricky – if she reaches into her purse, assume she is going for a pen to jot down her phone number for you, but be prepared to duck… just in case). Once you have been in a relationship for a while, begin introducing elements of your geekdom back into your life. For instance, invite her to meet one of your friends (and only one, it’s important to take these things slowly). Gauge her reaction, and if it’s favorable (or at least not utter revulsion), introduce something else (save the anime for last, trust me). Over time, your geekdom will become very apparent, but by then she’ll be so involved in the relationship that it will be too late to go back. It worked for me. I was married for almost three years before my wife realized what a nerd I was.