I Am Not An Addict… I’m A Connoisseur

I love coffee.

This didn’t used to be true. Back in high school I couldn’t stand the stuff – hated it with a passion. My friend Jerry and I used to hang out at Foster’s Donuts at 2:00 a.m. a lot. He would drink gallons of coffee, smoke two or three packs of cigarettes (you could still smoke indoors back then) and tell me his latest girl troubles… Jerry always seemed to be having girl troubles. I would sit and nurse a hot chocolate, listen and nod sagely (as if I knew any more about relationships than he did). It wasn’t until I started my job as a convenience store auditor that I actually started drinking coffee. We lived in the Midwest, and the winters were excruciatingly cold (especially for this California boy). When you’re that cold, someone could hand you a hot cup of phlegm and you’d drink it. The coffee was plentiful and free, so I got into the habit of drinking it. And at first it was like drinking a hot cup of phlegm, but after a while I got used to it. These days I can’t get through the morning without it and have become a little bit of a “coffee snob.” No, I don’t grow and roast my own beans or anything, but I do want my coffee freshly ground (a burr grinder is preferable) and made with filtered water. The swill they serve at most restaurants just won’t cut it.

For a while I was drinking a lot of coffee, and I mean a lot. But recently I decided to cut back on my intake and have managed to get it down to only one pot in the morning – except on Fridays (which is my “early” day) when I chase that pot with a venti iced latte from Starbucks. It should therefore come as no surprise that when I spotted a very large travel mug at the store that I immediately said to myself, “I’ve got to have it!” It was perfect – spill-resistant lid, insulated, stylish metallic sheen, and it held 24 ounces. I could dump my entire pot of coffee into it in the morning and not have to worry about it. I didn’t get it right away, however. I’ve never been an impulsive shopper, so I kept putting it off. I’d pass it by as we were grocery shopping, look longingly at it, and just not buy it. Until, finally, a few weeks ago I just said, “What the heck” and put it in the shopping cart.

I hate it. What can I say? It’s big, bulky and hard to hold. It’s lopsided and keeps wanting to tip over when I bring it with me in the car. It totally ruins the relaxing feeling I used to have holding a smaller mug in the quiet of the morning. I wish I had never bought it, and find excuses not to use it.

So, I guess the point I’m trying to make is that coveting is not a good thing. W.W. Jacobs had it right that we should be careful what we wish for, because we might receive it. I know that a coffee mug is just a little thing, but I think the same holds true for larger things. At least that’s what I’m planning on telling my kids when they find out we didn’t get them anything for Christmas.

Halloween? Bah! Humbug!

Today is Halloween, which is a holiday I’ve never really understood. This is quite possibly because I grew up in a conservative-Christian home, and we were taught that Halloween was Satan’s holiday. Instead of trick-or-treating, we went to “Harvest Parties” where we dressed up as Bible characters instead of ghosts, goblins and superheroes. The last time I went to one of these things (in Jr. High), I went as Noah’s Ark. A friend of mine went as Adam (prior to The Fall). I thought he should have won a prize for originality, but he got kicked out… Christians. No sense of humor.

My inability to catch the Halloween spirit might also stem from other childhood experiences. Because my parents didn’t realize how “evil” Halloween was until I was about 9, I do have some normal memories of Halloween. Unfortunately, none of them are very good. In 2nd grade, I dressed up as Batman. That sounds exciting, but it really wasn’t. I cut the mask out from the back of a cereal box, so it was made of cheap cardboard. I had to affix it to my head with tape and rubber bands. To add insult to injury, the only thing my mom could find for me to use as a cape was a bed sheet. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the sheet hadn’t been white. I wore the thing to school, and was told in numerous ways that I was the “stupidest looking Batman ever.” On the last Halloween we celebrated, I dressed up as C-3P0. Again, this sounds more exciting than it was. It was a store-bought costume, which was a step up, but that’s as far as it went for improvements. When I wore it to school I found out that my friend, Danny, got a Darth Vader costume which was infinitely more cool. I suppose I should have been happy for Danny, because he was a ginger kid and didn’t get much positive attention, but I was jealous. I mean, who wants to be an effeminate droid when you could be the Evil Dark Lord of the Sith?

But I don’t really think that’s it. For one thing, I’m not quite so anally retentive that I think celebrating Halloween is going to turn my children into psychopathic devil-worshipers, regardless of what I was told when I was young. For another thing, even though I really do want a Darth Vader costume, I don’t think it has to do with emotional trauma I suffered in the 4th grade. No, I think my problem with Halloween stems from the many contradictions inherent in the holiday. For example, can someone tell me why people normally laugh at cosplayers, but on Halloween it’s okay to emulate them? And why do we spend 364 days a year telling children not to take candy from strangers, but on this one night we encourage them to go door-to-door and beg for the stuff? I’m confused… but, then again, maybe I am too anally retentive. Maybe I should just relax, shut up and eat another candy corn.

Happy Halloween.

The End Of The World As We Know It

I know that this is a humor blog, so I apologize in advance if you came here for a good laugh. You’re not going to get that today. Today I am sad. I am sad because, for the last three or four days, the big news has been that J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore – Harry Potter’s wise and gentle mentor, and headmaster of Hogwarts – was gay. No, I am not saddened by this revelation. I am saddened that this is considered news. I am particularly saddened by the reaction of some who profess to be followers of Jesus Christ – as predictable as those reactions were. Did you know that every day 16,000 children die of starvation? Why isn’t that news? Where is the moral outrage over that? Maybe it’s time we re-read Matthew 25:31-46. That whole, “love your neighbor as yourself” thing is kind of important – at least it was to Jesus. Maybe we should be focusing on banning hunger before we ban books.

Just a thought.

Sleepwalking on the Moon

Our youngest daughter was walking in her sleep the other night. She stumbled into our bedroom and just stood there for a good minute with a vacant look on her face.

“TC? Are you okay, Binky?”
“Whu…”
“Are you okay?”
“Uh… yeah… I jus’ nee’ t’ get ready f…”
“What?”
“I need ge’ ready f’school…”
“Sweetheart, it’s still night time. You need to get back in bed.”

We ushered her back into her room, but about an hour later she wandered back out.

“Whu’ timesit?”
“It’s 10:30, Sweetie.”
“Omygosh ‘m late for school!”

At which point she began frantically running around the house. It took us a good five minutes to catch her and convince her that it was still night time, and that she could go back to bed.

This little incident got me to thinking. I’ve always had this sort of love/hate relationship with sleep. On the one hand, I love to sleep – mostly because I’m tired all the time. On the other hand, I hate to sleep because it seems like such a waste of time. I spend a good deal of my time fighting to stay awake – which is why I’m so tired all the time. Human beings spend a third of their lives asleep, and to me this seems a bit of a shame. I mean, think of all the things that could be accomplished if we could just stay awake 24/7. For one thing, I might actually be able catch up on my reading.

I sometimes envy vampires. I mean, I know that – unlike humans – they sleep away 2/3 of their lives, but their lives are so much longer that it seems like it might be worth the trade. Besides, they’re up all night and there are very few others around at that time. You can get so much more done when there’s no one around to bug you. Yeah, sometimes I think it might be nice to be a vampire – if it weren’t for that whole sucking people’s blood thing and having to dress Goth.

Another thing that would be cool would be, instead of just walking in your sleep, you could do other things in your sleep – important things, like washing the car. I mean, wouldn’t it be great to wake up in the morning and find out that you had cleaned the kitchen overnight? Work is always much more fun if you don’t remember doing it. Mowing the lawn at 2:30 in the morning might cheese off your neighbors a little, but at least it would get done. Of course, I’d be afraid of dreaming while sleepchoring. For instance, if you were weeding the garden, you might yank out a particularly nasty weed and find Cthulhu attached to the other end… or a naked clown. That kind of thing could scar a person for life.

There have been a couple of times when I’ve fallen asleep doing important things. One time I was driving, and I blinked, and found that 5 miles had gone by unnoticed. That was scary, and a little inconvenient, since I had missed my freeway exit and had to turn around. Another time, I was working on a particularly boring project at work (typesetting a legal contract, if you must know) and I nodded off at my desk. Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I jumped a little, and after only a short pause, shouted out “Amen!” I think everyone at the office was pretty impressed by my piety.

The one thing that I actually did accomplish in my sleep was an a capella rendition of of R.E.M.’s Man on the Moon. It was really well done too. At least I thought it was. I don’t think my wife was too keen on it, as she tried to smother me with a pillow about half-way through. Some people just don’t appreciate good music at 4:30 in the morning.

Overheard in my Bedroom

Me: [BANGBANGBANGBANG!!!!] CC! Get out of my bathroom right now!!
CC: But, Dad… I really have to go, and TC’s in our bathroom!
Me: I’m late for work, and I have to get in there and get ready! Get out! Now!!
TR: … you blink and…
Me: … but I’m late to wor-
TR: … you blink and…!
Me: [sigh]… CC? Sweetie? I’m sorry. Take as long as you need…

Be careful of the words you blog, for tomorrow, you may have to live by them…