Apologies for my Past Pt. II

When I was in high school, my friend Jerry was always setting me up on dates with the friends of whatever girl he happened to be seeing at the time. I don’t know why. Maybe he thought he was doing me a favor. Maybe he felt guilty because he was spending a lot of time with his girlfriend and neglecting his other friendships. I don’t know. The point is, these things always turned out to be disastrous. For instance, on one particular occasion we ended up at a park towards the end of the evening. Jerry and his girlfriend excused themselves from the vehicle to “go for a walk.” I sat in uncomfortable silence with my “date” for a few minutes and then muttered something like, “Well, this is fun…” (I was pretty smooth when I was in high school). I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me when she opened the car door, but it did. “Where are you going?” She didn’t answer, just got up and walked away. I got out and followed her to the baseball field, and watched in astonishment as she began climbing the backstop. “What are you doing?” I asked (see how witty I was?). She pretty much just ignored me. I shrugged my shoulders, muttered something under my breath, and began climbing up after her. I got to the top and we just sat there staring at the stars. I looked over at her and she smiled at me. “Pretty cool, huh?” She asked. I looked back at her and was really glad that it was dark because color had risen in my cheeks at that smile. It was looking like this wasn’t going to turn into such a horrible night after all… and then the cops showed up. They chased us out of the park, but not before giving us a long lecture on the dangers of climbing backstops. The rest of the evening pretty much went downhill from there.

With such experiences under my belt, you might think that I wouldn’t wish such things on others, but when my girlfriend G asked me if I might have a friend that we could set up with her friend K, I immediately volunteered my friend J.

J, this apology is to you, buddy. I’m sorry. I really didn’t know that K was a 15 year-old drug addict. I certainly didn’t know she’d start detoxing in the front seat of your car. I also must apologize, because for a long time I’ve blamed you for the whole incident. You see, I’ve often wondered if maybe K was faking the whole thing just to get out of an extremely boring date. I’m really sorry for thinking that. It’s just that, when K started convulsing, I was attempting to get to second-base with G and it really threw me off my groove. If she was faking it (though the whole foaming at the mouth thing was pretty convincing, wasn’t it?) she had really horrible timing.

In any case, I’ve come to realize – these many years later – that I should actually be thanking you. G broke up with me two days after that date. That actually proved to be pretty fortunate, because the last time I saw her (about two years after we broke up) she was pregnant and on probation for Grand Theft Auto. So, sorry for putting you through all that, and thanks for saving me from a life of misery.

Still friends?

Overheard in my Car Pt. VII

TR: So, how was your first date?
CC: Mom. I told you. It wasn’t a date. We’re just friends.
Me: Uh huh. Sure.
CC: Daaaad.
TR: Uh huh.
CC: Here, Mom.
TR: What’s this?
CC: The ten bucks you gave me to pay for the movie.
TR: Oh? Did he pay?
CC: Yeah.
TR & Me: It was a date.

How To Bag The Best Babes

Attention geeks, nerds and social misfits! Tired of not having a date on Saturday night? Tired of being completely ignored by the opposite sex, or worse, being laughed at by them? Now you too can bag the best babes! Yes, even you! By following the following tips, you too can become a total chick magnet (or at least manage to get a girl to talk to you like you’re a human being)! Just think, no more expensive bills from eHarmony or Adult Friend Finder! These secrets have been passed down through the ages, and are now available to you free of charge (and worth every penny).

1. Shower Regularly. I know this is a difficult concept to get your highly refined mind around, but personal hygiene is important to women. I know, I know, I don’t get it either. But the sooner you figure this out, the better. In addition to showering regularly, consider using an effective underarm deodorant. Believe it or not, this can be purchased at your local grocery store for a mere pittance! You may even consider using an aftershave or cologne, but go easy on the stuff. Too much and you could melt people’s eyes out when you enter a room.
2. Drop the Geeky Persona. This might be asking a lot, but it’s not as hard as it sounds. If you’re like 90% of the nerds out there, you already do this when you play your favorite RPG. Before speaking or doing anything, ask yourself, “What would Jethro the 14th level Barbarian-Magic User do in this situation?” An easy way to remember this is by using the acronym WWJFLBMUD. You might even consider making a bracelet with these letters on it as a reminder. Other ways to drop your geeky persona include:
   1. Dropping that nasally voice you normally speak with. Most nerds are quite capable of doing this already. Think about the number of voices you use when quoting Monty Python, or Star Wars. Pick an actor that you think represents pure masculinity and do your best to mimic his voice. Please Note: Any attempts to imitate Chuck Norris will fail miserably. There is only one Chuck Norris. You are not, nor will you ever be, him.
      
   2. One word: Lasik.
   3. Another word: Dermatologist.
3. Put Away Geekish Things. This is quite possibly the hardest thing you will have to do, but it is a necessary step. Do not, under any circumstances mention any of the following: role-playing games, comic books or anime. Hide your collections of such things as if they were pornography and your mother is threatening to search your room.Computers and the internet are okay to talk about, as long as you restrict your conversation to such things as mySpace or YouTube. If you must talk about what kind of system you own, tell everyone that you own a Mac. Don’t even think about using the word “Linux” in casual conversation.Unfortunately, you will also have to ditch your regular friends for a while. You don’t have to do this rudely. When they call you up and ask if you’re going to Donald’s all night AD&D game, politely tell them that you’re busy that evening.
4. Don’t Treat Women Like Objects. I realize that popular culture and internet pornography are teaching you otherwise but, believe it or not, women are people. No! Really! I didn’t believe it at first either, but it’s absolutely true! They’re made up of more than just breasts and vaginas. Some of them even have brains! Really! I’m not making this up! Try talking to one sometime, you’ll be as surprised as I was.

If you follow these four tips diligently, you will soon be well on your way to having your very own girlfriend. I realize that it is a large sacrifice, and you may want to protest that you will have to give up being who you are in order to accomplish your goal. This isn’t quite true, because the goal here is not to be a total sell-out. The goal is to get a woman to acknowledge your humanity so that you can ask her out, without her having to get out the pepper spray (this can be tricky – if she reaches into her purse, assume she is going for a pen to jot down her phone number for you, but be prepared to duck… just in case). Once you have been in a relationship for a while, begin introducing elements of your geekdom back into your life. For instance, invite her to meet one of your friends (and only one, it’s important to take these things slowly). Gauge her reaction, and if it’s favorable (or at least not utter revulsion), introduce something else (save the anime for last, trust me). Over time, your geekdom will become very apparent, but by then she’ll be so involved in the relationship that it will be too late to go back. It worked for me. I was married for almost three years before my wife realized what a nerd I was.