Overheard in My Car Pt. I

Me: Hey, Hon. You’ve heard about microchipping pets, right?
TR: You mean where they put a microchip in your pet so they can track it if it gets lost? Like LoJack?
Me: Yeah. That’s it.
TR: Yeah. Why?
Me: Wouldn’t it be cool if they could do something like that with nanotechnology?
TR: What do you mean?
Me: I mean, what if they could inject your dog with thousands of microscopic robots, and then if it ran away they could guide it back home remotely.
TR: You’re weird… and don’t say, “That’s why you married me.”
Me: It’s not weird. Think about it. Little Fluffy runs away, you call up LoJack (or wherever), they send out a signal, the nanobots take over the dog’s limbs and guide it back home.
TR: That’d be kinda creepy, don’t you think.
Me: Um. No. Not really. But I’ll tell you what would be creepy.
TR: What?
Me: If little Fluffy was hit by a car before you made the call.
TR: Why would that be… ohhhh…
Me: Yeah. It’d be like, “Hey! Here comes Fluffy! She’s back! Kids! Fluffy’s back! C’mere Fluffy! C’mere! Oh my go… AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!”
TR: You’re weird.
Me: That’s why you married me.

Dogs: The Tragic Story of Sammy

Dogs are inherently stupid creatures.

Now I know that that statement is probably going to get me into trouble with a lot of the dog lovers out there. But before you get angry with me and start sending me nasty messages, hear me out. I like dogs. I really do. We own three of them. I think they have a lot of admirable qualities – they’re the most loyal creatures in the world, some are cute and cuddly, they can provide security and comfort – intelligence is just not one of them. Sure, you get your occasional smart dog, like Lassie or Benji. But on the whole, most of the canines I’ve come into contact with have been – quite frankly – dumber than dirt.

Just so you know, I think cats have their bad qualities as well. Though they’re more intelligent than dogs, they are fiercely independent. Any loyalty they show is completely of the self-serving variety. I have no doubt that any cat would betray its master for a small piece of tuna – and I say that as a cat lover. But we’re talking about dogs and their lack of intelligence.

Case in point. My mom has a small shi-tzu named Sammy. Sammy is cute and cuddly and the friendliest dog on the planet – but he’s not too bright. Yesterday we were at my parents’ house for Easter, and at one point a number of us were sitting in the living room chatting about nothing-in-particular when Sammy came in, wagging his tail and begging to be paid attention to. No one was. Not to be deterred, Sammy proceeded to jump up onto the coffee table to see if he we’d notice him then. Earlier in the day my mom had lit some candles (the scented kind that make the room smell nice) and set them on the coffee table. Sammy’s tail, landed smack dab over one of the open flames and immediately caught fire. He let out an ear-piercing yelp, which finally got everyone’s attention, and leaped from the table. He began running around the room, past the drapes – which were instantly set ablaze – squealing in pain as his entire body was engulfed in a huge fireball. Pandemonium ensued. Several of us jumped up to put out the drapes. My mom ran to save her precious baby, who was busy setting other portions of the house on fire. A bunch of the kids ran outside screaming that the house was burning down. Someone managed to grab a fire extinguisher and began putting out the spot fires that had sprung up. My mom managed to smother Sammy, but by then he had been reduced to a quivering mass of burnt flesh on the floor.

Now, any of you that are laughing at this little anecdote are either a) sick and twisted animal haters, or b) much like my kids, you don’t believe a word I said. I have to admit, I stretch the truth a bit at times… Sammy is actually fine. He did, in fact, light his tail on fire. But fortunately, we were paying attention and saw it right away. The worst that happened was that the entire room smelled of burnt dog hair (completely overpowering the effect of the candles) and Sammy had a few singed tail hairs.

My immediate thought following this incident was the one that I opened this post with – “Dogs are inherently stupid creatures.” But, later on, I discovered that dogs have one quality that isn’t widely advertised. They can read minds. You see, when we got home our dogs had gotten into one of the bathroom trash cans. Tissue, paper and cardboard was ripped up all over the floor. It was a mess, and the only conclusion I can draw is that they “heard” my unflattering thought and decided to get back at me.

So, I guess my point with all of this is that you should be careful about what you think or say about your dogs. They might not be as loyal as you think.