Halloween? Bah! Humbug!

Today is Halloween, which is a holiday I’ve never really understood. This is quite possibly because I grew up in a conservative-Christian home, and we were taught that Halloween was Satan’s holiday. Instead of trick-or-treating, we went to “Harvest Parties” where we dressed up as Bible characters instead of ghosts, goblins and superheroes. The last time I went to one of these things (in Jr. High), I went as Noah’s Ark. A friend of mine went as Adam (prior to The Fall). I thought he should have won a prize for originality, but he got kicked out… Christians. No sense of humor.

My inability to catch the Halloween spirit might also stem from other childhood experiences. Because my parents didn’t realize how “evil” Halloween was until I was about 9, I do have some normal memories of Halloween. Unfortunately, none of them are very good. In 2nd grade, I dressed up as Batman. That sounds exciting, but it really wasn’t. I cut the mask out from the back of a cereal box, so it was made of cheap cardboard. I had to affix it to my head with tape and rubber bands. To add insult to injury, the only thing my mom could find for me to use as a cape was a bed sheet. That wouldn’t have been so bad if the sheet hadn’t been white. I wore the thing to school, and was told in numerous ways that I was the “stupidest looking Batman ever.” On the last Halloween we celebrated, I dressed up as C-3P0. Again, this sounds more exciting than it was. It was a store-bought costume, which was a step up, but that’s as far as it went for improvements. When I wore it to school I found out that my friend, Danny, got a Darth Vader costume which was infinitely more cool. I suppose I should have been happy for Danny, because he was a ginger kid and didn’t get much positive attention, but I was jealous. I mean, who wants to be an effeminate droid when you could be the Evil Dark Lord of the Sith?

But I don’t really think that’s it. For one thing, I’m not quite so anally retentive that I think celebrating Halloween is going to turn my children into psychopathic devil-worshipers, regardless of what I was told when I was young. For another thing, even though I really do want a Darth Vader costume, I don’t think it has to do with emotional trauma I suffered in the 4th grade. No, I think my problem with Halloween stems from the many contradictions inherent in the holiday. For example, can someone tell me why people normally laugh at cosplayers, but on Halloween it’s okay to emulate them? And why do we spend 364 days a year telling children not to take candy from strangers, but on this one night we encourage them to go door-to-door and beg for the stuff? I’m confused… but, then again, maybe I am too anally retentive. Maybe I should just relax, shut up and eat another candy corn.

Happy Halloween.

Grown-Up Nerd Christmas List

I was in Kmart the other day – taking a break from Wal-Mart for a while – and they’ve got their Christmas decorations out already. My first thought was, “Good grief! It isn’t even Halloween yet! You’re already getting ready for Christmas?” But then I thought that was probably too close to “Bah! Humbug!” and decided that maybe I should just get into the spirit of things. So, I decided to write out my Christmas list.

Now, according Amy Grant, when you’re a grown-up you are supposed to ask for things like World Peace for Christmas. Well, no offense to Amy, but screw that! First of all, asking for that sort of thing isn’t very practical. Even if you could wrap that, it would never fit under my tree. Second, I’m not just a grown-up, I’m also a total nerd. Nerds don’t wish for things like World Peace, they want really cool expensive toys with lots of flashy lights that make beep beep noises. So, with that in mind, and without further ado, here is:

My Grown-Up Nerd Christmas List

 

1. The JL421 Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank – What nerd worth his nerdiness hasn’t wanted a Jabba the Hutt sail barge? I live in the desert, so this would be perfect for me. If you buy this for me, be sure to pick up a Princess Leia Slave Girl outfit to go with it. I think I might be able to convince TR to wear it.
2. The Gorilla Fez - Absolutely the coolest fez I’ve ever seen. I hear fez’s are making a comeback this year… I wasn’t aware that they’d ever gone out.
3. Cat Armor – The world is a dangerous place, and I love my cat too much to want her to go around outside unprotected.
4. Alien Abduction Lamp – Quite possibly the most awesome lamp ever created. You should buy this just so you can watch me argue with my wife about whether to put it in the living room or in a box in the garage.
5. Super Deformed Star Wars Plush Toys – Any of these will do really. But keep in mind that I’ve got a pretty good Darth Vader collection going.
6. Fireplace I – I would totally roast marshmallows on my coffee table if I had one of these.
7. Anything From Archie McPhee – I don’t know if there’s anything from this place that I wouldn’t like.
8. Dragon Bag – I have absolutely no use for something like this… but I’d walk around with it on just for fun.
9. Darth Vader Costume – Okay, you can’t actually buy a Darth Vader costume by clicking on that link, but if you click on that link you’ll see why I want a Darth Vader costume.
10. Starbucks Caffeine Inhaler – This would save me so much time.

Well, that’s pretty much it… Well. I suppose I could use some new underwear. Other than that, if can think of anything else, I’ll let you know. If you need shipping instructions, please drop me a note and I’ll get them to you.

A Few Random Thoughts on Summer

Once again, summer is upon us. May I be the first to say, “Bleh!”

My kids will be out of school in less than two weeks. It’s the time of year for week-long slumber parties and family vacations.

Our family vacations usually consist of camping in some national park or other. This is getting less and less fun as the national parks get more and more crowded. We can thank major outdoor emporiums like Bass Pro and REI for bringing camping back in style. Car campers can be some of the most obnoxious people in the world. I don’t know about you, but I go camping to get away from the noise.

At one point I had thought about taking up backpacking. The idea of hiking into the woods, far away from the noise of the drunken revelers, had a certain appeal. I went on a few day-hikes to try it out, then realized how much work it was going to be. Besides, visions of having to fend off bears and mountain lions kept swimming through my head. The thought of having to prepare my wife and four teenage daughters for such a trip really put me off as well. “What do you mean there won’t be any electricity? How will I curl my hair? Bugs!? There’s going to be bugs?!”

We’re planning a trip to Disneyland in a couple of weeks. Disneyland bills itself as “The Happiest Place on Earth.” Of course, that’s how Disney World bills itself as well. I’m relatively sure that the other parks in Europe and Asia do so as well. Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say it’s “One of the Happiest Places on Earth?” And how can they be sure that it really is the happiest place on Earth? Have they done a study? Where’s the empirical evidence to substantiate such a claim?

At $83 a ticket I wouldn’t be too surprised if there are quite a few people that think Disneyland is the unhappiest place on Earth. I’m sure that kids, who don’t pay for their own admission, are pretty happy, but what about their parents? When you see two grown-ups with children at Disneyland you can always tell which one of them pays the bills. It’s the one that looks like he or she has been sucking on pickles all day while everyone else is grinning from ear-to-ear.

Fortunately for me, I have a relative that works at Disneyland. He can get us in for free… and we don’t even have to hop the fence. It’s kind of like being Mexican and having a cousin that works for the Border Patrol…

Dogs: The Tragic Story of Sammy

Dogs are inherently stupid creatures.

Now I know that that statement is probably going to get me into trouble with a lot of the dog lovers out there. But before you get angry with me and start sending me nasty messages, hear me out. I like dogs. I really do. We own three of them. I think they have a lot of admirable qualities – they’re the most loyal creatures in the world, some are cute and cuddly, they can provide security and comfort – intelligence is just not one of them. Sure, you get your occasional smart dog, like Lassie or Benji. But on the whole, most of the canines I’ve come into contact with have been – quite frankly – dumber than dirt.

Just so you know, I think cats have their bad qualities as well. Though they’re more intelligent than dogs, they are fiercely independent. Any loyalty they show is completely of the self-serving variety. I have no doubt that any cat would betray its master for a small piece of tuna – and I say that as a cat lover. But we’re talking about dogs and their lack of intelligence.

Case in point. My mom has a small shi-tzu named Sammy. Sammy is cute and cuddly and the friendliest dog on the planet – but he’s not too bright. Yesterday we were at my parents’ house for Easter, and at one point a number of us were sitting in the living room chatting about nothing-in-particular when Sammy came in, wagging his tail and begging to be paid attention to. No one was. Not to be deterred, Sammy proceeded to jump up onto the coffee table to see if he we’d notice him then. Earlier in the day my mom had lit some candles (the scented kind that make the room smell nice) and set them on the coffee table. Sammy’s tail, landed smack dab over one of the open flames and immediately caught fire. He let out an ear-piercing yelp, which finally got everyone’s attention, and leaped from the table. He began running around the room, past the drapes – which were instantly set ablaze – squealing in pain as his entire body was engulfed in a huge fireball. Pandemonium ensued. Several of us jumped up to put out the drapes. My mom ran to save her precious baby, who was busy setting other portions of the house on fire. A bunch of the kids ran outside screaming that the house was burning down. Someone managed to grab a fire extinguisher and began putting out the spot fires that had sprung up. My mom managed to smother Sammy, but by then he had been reduced to a quivering mass of burnt flesh on the floor.

Now, any of you that are laughing at this little anecdote are either a) sick and twisted animal haters, or b) much like my kids, you don’t believe a word I said. I have to admit, I stretch the truth a bit at times… Sammy is actually fine. He did, in fact, light his tail on fire. But fortunately, we were paying attention and saw it right away. The worst that happened was that the entire room smelled of burnt dog hair (completely overpowering the effect of the candles) and Sammy had a few singed tail hairs.

My immediate thought following this incident was the one that I opened this post with – “Dogs are inherently stupid creatures.” But, later on, I discovered that dogs have one quality that isn’t widely advertised. They can read minds. You see, when we got home our dogs had gotten into one of the bathroom trash cans. Tissue, paper and cardboard was ripped up all over the floor. It was a mess, and the only conclusion I can draw is that they “heard” my unflattering thought and decided to get back at me.

So, I guess my point with all of this is that you should be careful about what you think or say about your dogs. They might not be as loyal as you think.

Understanding Women Part II

Okay, so I found out what my daughter meant when she said she was “going to do her hair.” She meant she was going to color it. But it wasn’t just her. It was all four of my kids. They all decided to color their hair for Easter… Yeah, I know what the guys are thinking – but only because I thought it too – “You’re supposed to color eggs for easter.” Fortunately I didn’t say that out loud…

Anyway… Where was I? Oh, yeah… Hair color. Do any of you men out there know how noxious the fumes from hair dye is? Good grief! Within 5 minutes of those bottles (or tubes or whatever they were) being opened, the entire house smelled like a toxic waste dump! I used to work for a petroleum distributor a few years back and we handled some pretty nasty chemicals, but there was nothing that compared with this. I swear my eyes actually started bleeding… Okay, that’s an exageration. But they did water quite a bit. I went through every room of the house, opening windows and turning on ceiling fans. I opened the back door and all the animals ran out, squealing in terror! (Okay, I made that last bit up). I couldn’t believe they were putting this stuff in their hair! Hair dye? Try hair die. I’m surprised they didn’t all wake up bald the next day… Of course my wife assures me that it’s supposed to smell like that, and I shouldn’t worry. Okay, but it’s a wonder that the smoke detectors didn’t go off. Really! Those fumes could peel paint!

This morning, one of my daughters showed me her shoulder. Apparently some of the hair dye had dripped onto it, and now she’s got a big stain on her skin. I told her I was surprised it hadn’t eaten away her flesh!

But now all of my girls have new beautiful hair for Easter. So I guess it was worth it. We’re all going to die of brain aneurysms, but that’s okay. We look good, and that’s what’s important.