Wanna Rub My Head For Luck?

I swear I must be the luckiest man alive. For years, I tried to win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes, faithfully licking stamps and sending in the entry forms for each new round. I never actually made it to the finals, but I came pretty darn close, let me tell you! I was about to give up on things ever going my way, however, when I discovered the Internet. Suddenly my luck began to turn around. It all started when I zapped a mosquito and won a free laptop! Suddenly, I was getting all kinds of email from hot women that wanted to send me nude photos and sell me discount prescription medications! As if that wasn’t enough, I wacked a monkey and won a PS3! That surprised me a great deal, because the last time I wacked a monkey things went a bit differently (but I won’t go into that here). Pretty soon, I was winning all kinds of prizes. I punched out a boxer and won an iPod. One time I was just minding my own business when an ethereal voice issued from my computer speakers, “Congratulations!” It said. “You have been chosen as the recipient of a free $50.00 gas card.” Amazing! Thanks to the Internet, I’ll never have to work again! It’s like Amway, only better, because I don’t have to alienate my friends and family! In fact, I’m so excited about all of this free stuff I’ve won, I’ve decided to take everyone out for drinks, on me… just as soon as the Nigerian Finance Minister deposits that 25 million dollars into my bank account. Yep. That should be happening any day now.

Today in my Spam Box

• Carly wants to sell me some Viagra. Thanks, but no thanks, Carly. I really don’t need it.
• Hazel says, “inelegant than paprika”. Okay, Hazel, that just doesn’t make sense. Learn English and get back to me.
• Joanna wants me to “shriek with recherche”. I assume she can show me how, but it sounds painful.
• Beatrice wants to tell me about a “Missile Strike: The USA kills more than 1000 Iranian citizens”. Sucks to be Iran, Bea. Thanks for sharing the news, but I prefer CNN.
• Ken and John Stevens both want to have “breakfast” with me. Too bad I already ate – Aunt Jemimah croissant breakfast sandwich, if you must know. It was good.
• Laurence mentions “incredulity than affair”. Again, I’m not sure what you mean, Larry. I’m happily married. But thanks for the concern.
• Hervé Jeune would like to share his “biography” with me. Wish I had time to read it Herv. Maybe I would, if I wasn’t so busy cleaning out my Spam folder!