Archive for the ‘Work’ Category

Bad Moon Rising

October 24, 2007

True story.

I used to count inventory in convenience stores. No, it wasn’t some weird obsessive compulsive thing. It was my job. And yes, it was as boring and tedious as it sounds. We’d leave from the office very early every morning, drive several miles (sometimes across State lines) and spend our days adding up packages of Doritos and Snickers bars to see how much was being stolen. My partner was a guy named Todd. Todd was overweight, not morbidly obese, but more than moderately round (the reason I mention this will become clear in a minute).

Because we left so stinking early in the morning, it was usually still dark outside. One morning we walked out into the parking lot and Todd set his equipment down on the ground in order to unlock the car door. I waited patiently and looked up into the brightest, clearest sky I had ever seen. I stood there in awe of God’s creation for a moment, and then turned to look at the moon. It was a huge, orange harvest moon, dazzling and beautiful. I halfway expected to see the silhouette of Elliott and E.T. fly across it. Grinning from ear-to-ear, I turned to Todd and said, “Wooooaaah… Look at the moon!”

Unfortunately, and quite unknown to me, Todd had just finished unlocking the car and was bending over to retrieve the equipment he had previously set down. Because of his girth, his pants and his boxers protested this movement by dropping around his ankles. I found myself staring straight at his naked butt. He immediately pulled his pants back up, smiled sheepishly and turned beet red.

Worst timing ever. Our relationship was always a little uncomfortable after that.

Overheard on the Phone

September 28, 2007

TR: I’ve got a lot of work to do when I get home tonight.
Me: Anything I can help you with?
TR: Not unless you want to write lesson plans.
Me: I don’t think you want me writing lesson plans.
TR: You’re probably right.
Me: “Okay, class, today we’re going to learn about mucous. Take out your tissues now… okay, now…blow!”
TR: What would be the objective of that lesson?
Me: To teach them that it’s important not to wipe their snot on each other. Duh.
TR: It has to relate to a State educational standard.
Me: Personal hygiene isn’t a State standard?
TR: No.
Me: Well, it should be.

Overheard in my Cubicle

September 15, 2007

AM: What time do you get off today?
Me: That’s kind of a personal question, isn’t it?
AM: Huh?
Me: Nevermind. I leave at 3:00.
AM: Oh. Do you usually hit traffic on the way home?
Me: Not if I can help it. I don’t want my insurance rates to go up.
AM: Huh?
Me: Nevermind.

Overheard in my Car Pt. II

July 12, 2007

Me: I would have made a good kindergarten teacher.
TR: You’re kidding, right?
Me: No. I’m totally serious… You don’t think I’m right?
TR: No.
Me: Why not?
TR: Well, first of all, how would you control 20 five-year-olds?
Me: Benadryl.
TR: What?!
Me: Benadryl. I’d just serve them Kool-Aid laced with Benadryl in the morning.
TR: That’s horrible!
Me: It’d keep `em quiet.
TR: You’d get arrested.
Me: Nah. No one would ever know. Heck, parents might even thank me. “Little Johnny sure has been well-behaved since entering your kindergarten class. I don’t know what you’re doing, but keep doing it.”
TR: Uh huh. Sure.
Me: Give me another one.
TR: I’m not playing this game with you.
Me: C’mon.
TR: (sigh) Okay. What would you do if a little kid were crying because he missed his mom?
Me: That’s an easy one. I’d take the little tyke aside and talk to him until he calmed down.
TR: Just talk?
Me: Yeah. Just talk.
TR: I’m afraid to ask, but… what would you say?
Me: I’d look him in the eye and say in my most soothing tone of voice, “Now, little Johnny, I know you’re upset because you miss your mom, but you have to stop crying. Do you know why?”
TR: Oh no…
Me: “I’ll tell you why. When little boys cry at school… their parents die. You wouldn’t want your mom to die horribly in a car accident because you were crying at school, would you? I didn’t think so. Now shut up and drink your Kool-Aid.”
TR: That’s sick! You’re demented, you know that?
Me: It’d stop little Johnny from crying, I guarantee it. The ends justify the means, baby!
TR: Have you ever thought about going in for therapy?
Me: If I was at all serious…
TR: If you were at all serious, I’d have you committed… and for the record, you would make a terrible kindergarten teacher.
Me: Hm. You’re probably right… I’d make a great pastor though.

Expecting the Unexpec… Hey! What’s That!

May 14, 2007

Rusty CarSo, I’m setting up a “safety card” for the employees of a well-known package delivery company today, and one of their safety points says: “Plan for the Unexpected.”

Um… Excuse me. Hello? If I plan for something doesn’t that, by definition, make it expected? I mean, there are plenty of things that I really don’t expect to happen.

For instance, I don’t expect aliens to land in the parking lot outside of my office and invite me to come be the king of a planet populated by buxom, blond Amazon women. I’m not even sure how I would begin to prepare for that. I suppose I could pack a few things in an athletic bag and keep it handy, just in case.

I also don’t expect to inherit billions of dollars from a long lost uncle. Does that mean I should quit my job and go max out all of my credit cards buying video games and Cheez-Doodles, because I’ll be able to pay it off soon?

And what if both of those things happen? Not that I expect them to. Can I take my money and my Cheez-Doodles to the Amazon planet?

Instructions like “Plan for the Unexpected” are really just designed to incite anxiety. I mean, it just makes me sit around and stress about things that probably aren’t going to happen. My life is complicated enough. I don’t need to go around inventing things to worry about.

Now, I’ve got to go. I don’t expect my house to be invaded by terrorists and my family taken hostage, but I need to get home just in case they do.